Do you know what it is like to be told “I knew you would leave. From the very beginning, I knew you would leave”?
Three times I’ve been told that.
It hurts. So. Much.
When Morgan said it, I didn’t care.
When Madison said it, I felt so bad. I left her at a time that I thought she’d be fine without me, and then everything came crashing down and I had no idea and then I broke when she told me that she had just wished I was there to help.
And then Ria said it just last night. And I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t want to feel. I want to go back to how I used to be - cold, unfeeling, unemotional. It was so much easier that way. I didn’t worry about what made me happy, I didn’t worry about what my actions made others feel. I know it’s the cowards way out, though, and I’m not going to become a coward again.
I just don’t know what to do. I never wanted to let her down, but I know this is better for her. Maybe not right now, but I know it will be, but then I wonder how long that is. What if it takes her forever to find the person I know she needs? What if it takes me forever to find what I’m looking for? What if neither or those happen? Then what have I done - I’ve set us up for infinite potential but no gains. Is it better to have an absolute positive if know it will never grow, or to have an absolute zero in which there is a possibility that it will become perfection? In the actual context of this situation, is it better to have a relationship in which you are only truly happy with that person but you suffer without them, or to have no relationship in which you are miserable in your loneliness but can enjoy yourself any time you have company? In either situation, you suffer when alone, but the latter suggests an easier means of finding happiness - at least I think so. However, the latter situation also causes you to feel a deeper pain when alone, which means you become reliant on needing others. If happiness can be determined in a manner of positive and negative numbers, the comparison of these two situations can be put into rought terms such as this: Situation 1 - in a relationship in which you are extremely happy with significant other(referred to as “sf” from here on out), slightly happy with others, lonely when alone: +10 on a rare occasion, +2 every now and then, -3 the rest of the time. Situation 2 - no relationship, more happy when with others, miserable alone: +5 every now and then, -7 the rest of the time. I must be going insane thinking I can make my life decisions based on made up number schemes and situations. Perhaps I should just stop with my rambling now.
For those who actually read this, I apologize for wasting your time.